


a heart no home can hold

by zmeess



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: First Love, M/M, Pining, Pre-Kerberos Mission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:27:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21736045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zmeess/pseuds/zmeess
Summary: Keith is sixteen and the universe is ending because his best friend is leaving him to fulfill his dream.
Relationships: Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Keith/Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 17





	a heart no home can hold

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written in two years but sheith has restored my passion for writing, which was significantly dampened during my university years  
> the title is from The Runners by The Naked And Famous, who in my opinion have composed many a teenage anthem and are overall magnificent

The sun was still high in the sky when Keith set off on his journey, but by the time he reached his destination the star following him was barely touching the horizon and everything looked soft and dusty and like it was covered in hot melted wax.

Keith spotted Shiro's hoverbike right where he'd expected it. They did plenty of sunset-watching from the Garrison’s rooftops or out of the window of a cafe in the next town over, but this was the best spot, level and clear of any cliffs obscuring the sky. Keith wouldn't admit it to anyone, but the simple pleasure of watching the very air change colors, however often he tried to convince himself was trite and tired, just never got old. More importantly, Shiro happily spent time sitting on sand-covered rocks and staring past the jagged outline of the mountains, which, Keith told himself, probably meant he wasn't lame for enjoying it either.

Now, as he kicked up dirt speeding past the cliffs towards the lumbering clunky form of Shiro's hoverbike, the thought of watching the sunset did something terrible to his brain. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but the mere idea of coming here alone in a few days to stare at nothing in particular filled him with dread and vague irritation at himself, which, he thought, he was full of even on a good day anyway.

The foggy jumbled confusion in his mind suddenly pivoted and turned into wide-eyed alarm when he drew close enough to see that Shiro wasn't facing the sun. Keith parked his hoverbike without care, jumped off of it with so much force he felt the weight of the earth on the soles of his feet and ran towards Shiro's turned back.

He expected Shiro to turn around and greet him, or at least acknowledge his presence in some way, but as Keith slowed down and took unsure steps closer Shiro remained unmoving.

Keith didn't know what to do so he stopped a few feet away and croaked an embarrassingly shaky 'hey'.

“Hey,” Keith could hear the rueful smile in Shiro's voice. “Come here to people watch?”

Keith snorted at the weak joke, but couldn't make himself move; Shiro's back was still turned to him.

It was almost surreal to watch Shiro pat the rapidly cooling sand next to him as an invitation to join him, all without seeing his face. Keith almost expected, in a flash of irrational panic, to walk up to Shiro and see his face disfigured or missing altogether.

Shiro's face was perfectly normal when Keith took a guiltily quick look at Shiro when sitting down next to him. He was looking straight ahead with a leisurely interest, and Keith, as if directed by Shiro's line of sight, moved his eyes towards the dark blue underside of the desert sunset.

Keith had always been particularly bad at starting conversations, but in the absence of any initiative from Shiro, he found himself blurting out the gory and still warm question that was weighing down the air around Shiro.

"Did you, uh, did you break up with Adam?"

Keith started regretting ever opening his mouth right around the 'uh' part, but the rest of that sentence just tumbled out seemingly of its own accord. Keith finished speaking with his eyes wide open because he did _that_ again. That _thing_ he did when nothing was going according to plan and he was fulfilling some image of himself he didn't quite want to be that other people saw: a wayward homeless boy, impudent and brazen and so, so desperate for attention. 

Shiro didn't seem bothered.

"How'd you know?" he said as he finally turned his face to Keith and smiled.

Keith suddenly felt bolstered by how relaxed and happy Shiro looked despite the question he shouldn't have asked. "He acted all weird today. Didn't correct me when I made a stupid mistake in class. I realized my planned trajectory was fucked up right as I was explaining my reasoning to him, and he just kept nodding and then said 'good job'. I hadn't even finished talking.”

"That's indeed unlike Adam," Shiro said with a chuckle.

"Yeah, he never misses an opportunity to point out someone's mistake," Keith nodded to himself. It dawned on him a second later that he probably shouldn't have said that either, but it was too late. Slowly, the seconds ticking by while he marinated in his mortified stupor took him further and further away from the appropriate moment to say sorry.

"Happens to the best of us," Shiro said conversationally, and Keith was afraid to ask whether Shiro was referring to pointing out mistakes or missing an opportunity to do so.

Keith also didn't have anything to respond with, so instead his mouth decided to talk without his consent.

"And you never come here without me. So, I kind of. You know. Figured. That something was up." 

As Keith trailed off he abandoned all attempts at being polite. Who was he kidding anyway? It was none of his business. Nothing ever was his business and he desperately wanted to make it his, and Shiro knew that. If he minded, he would have said so a long time ago. He definitely would have.

Shiro smiled again.

"It had been a long time coming. I'm okay."

Belatedly, Keith blurted out a 'sorry you guys broke up' and mentally berated himself for acting so insensitive, but he was completely out of his depth. It was weird to have his best friend's boyfriend as his teacher to begin with; the fact that he didn't like Adam much didn't help either. 

Adam probably didn't deserve it, but Keith hated how handsome he looked with his angular jaw and curly hair, how deep and measured and calm his voice sounded when he was reading a lecture Keith couldn't be bothered to pay attention to, how good Adam and Shiro had looked together, sitting at the table in the cafeteria, talking and flirting and stealing each other's fries.

Keith chewed on his bottom lip trying to make up something, anything to talk about besides Shiro's now ex-fiance, or their failed relationship, or dating, or any of this stupid shit that had nothing to do with _Keith and Shiro_ , but came up short.

It would have been nice if dating _was_ something to do with Keith and Shiro, he thought meekly. He suddenly felt ruthless black sadness deep in his bones, like it was him who had broken up with the love of his life and was now sitting on top of a desert plateau with a serene expression on his face, talking to a delinquent boy that was desperately in love with him.

"I really am sorry," he repeated. "For what it's worth, I think he really blew it. I'm sure you were a great boyfriend."

Shiro sighed in response. For how expressive his face could be Keith had always had trouble reading him. Now, he was completely lost.

"We just wanted different things. It wasn't fair of me to stay in a relationship that I valued less than my ambition."

Keith saw red.

"Is that what Adam told you?!” Keith sputtered; he couldn’t believe his ears. “That's bullshit! This is not how it works! You've dreamed of flying to Kerberos for years, this is important! This is not an 'ambition', this is— " Keith felt like he was choking on his own words trying to get them all out of his brain at the same time so that Shiro could _see_. "This is stupid. Adam was stupid," he finished, lamely.

Shiro smiled again, and this time it didn't feel like something was missing from his face.

"Thanks, Keith. I know what you mean. But—" Shiro furrowed his brows for a moment, and then his expression fell into complete resignation. "He was right, in a sense. Deep down, I knew I would rather spend the few remaining years of my life collecting samples of ice in space than with him. Nobody deserves to be second best."

Keith stared at the grains of sand on his washed-out black jeans. The edges of the tiny crystals were catching the last light of the day reflected off of Shiro's hoverbike. The ground underneath him was cold, the sun had completely set, and Keith felt like crying because Shiro wanted to fly off to a stupid rock in space more than he wanted to stay with him.

“Keith, hey.” Keith mumbled a noncommittal ‘mhm’ and kept looking at his knees. “Hey, look at me,” Shiro sounded gentle and earnest, and Keith was reminded of the soft but firm reprimands Shiro delivered every time he had to bail him out of Iverson’s office because Keith had set the simulator on fire or got into a fight. He couldn’t really _not_ look at Shiro when he used that voice.

Keith looked up.

Shiro set a heavy hand on his shoulder. “Thank you for coming here. And for talking to me.”

“No problem,” Keith felt his ears flush with hot blood as he stared at the twinkling stars that had just started appearing in the east.

“It’s really impressive that you knew where to look for me.”

“I went to your room first,” Keith argued weakly because he couldn’t admit to Shiro that he had ventured into the desert on a guess. But he had. He had felt an incessant pull and it had been easy to hop on the Garrison-issued hoverbike and fly where his intuition led him.

Shiro chuckled and rose to his feet, dusting off the seat of his pants and brushing his hair away from his face. “Alright, it’s way past your curfew. Let’s get you back to your dorm.”

Keith rolled his eyes; if Shiro really cared about the arbitrary rules of the Garrison he would have flown him to the safety and boredom of Keith’s room the moment he had heard his footsteps behind his back.

“Whatever makes you feel better about being tired before midnight, old-timer,” Keith said, narrowly missing a playful slap to the shoulder from Shiro. Laughing, Keith looked at Shiro’s grinning face, and realized that none of his smiles had been actually happy before.

Racing Shiro back to the Garrison in the cold crisp night was both a torture and a blessing. They sped past each other, wind slashing painfully across Keith’s cheeks and freezing his knuckles, Shiro laughing and egging Keith on, but all Keith could think about was that this was the last time he would fly with Shiro for what seemed like would be forever, until this universe ceased to exist. The urge to savor every second warred in him with the white buzzing fog in his head that made every thought fuzzy like a bunch of cotton balls, amorphous and hard to tell apart each one from the others like it. Sometimes the state of his mind wavered and he didn’t have any thoughts at all, his brain descending into complete silence, leaving him staring ahead, unseeing.

It was over too soon and not soon enough. Shiro came in first, and Keith saw him already parking his hoverbike as Keith flew into the hangar. By the time he clumsily hopped down from his own hoverbike, Shiro was waiting for him patiently next to the gate leading into the main Garrison building. 

Shiro smiled at Keith when he came up to him, patting him on the shoulder and then running his hand down Keith’s back absentmindedly, urging him to walk through the door as he scanned his ID over the lock. Keith was sure he could feel every single ridge of Shiro’s fingerprints on the back of his ratty hoodie. They walked through the barely lit silent hallways, heading towards Keith's imminent desolation, but as Keith was about to take a mindless turn towards the cadet dorms, Shiro stopped him with a quiet 'Wait—'.

"Huh?" Keith looked back at Shiro, standing in the middle of the corridor, his black hair shimmering silver under the light of a single halogen lamp.

"I have something for you," Shiro started slowly. "In my room. I wanted to give it to you tomorrow, but since it’s past midnight, I guess it’s tomorrow already." He let out a quiet chuckle. "We could go get it now if you are not tired?"

Keith stared at Shiro in confusion for a second as he tried to process that the day - his day with Shiro - wasn't ending yet, and then felt his entire body get lighter, as if a weight he hadn't realized was there had been lifted off his shoulders.

He thought he could joke again about not being old enough to tire out easily unlike _some_ people, but found himself breathing in and saying in a whisper, "I'm not tired yet."

Shiro's smile was much brighter than the harsh glare of the cold lighting. He turned left towards the pilot dorms, beckoning Keith with a wave of his hand. Keith followed him, falling into the familiar orbit he always seemed to favor around Shiro.

They walked up to the door of Shiro's room side by side, Keith darting into the familiar space as soon as Shiro scanned his ID over the lock again. Keith was dizzy with happiness, struggling to remember how hollow he had felt just a few minutes ago. He took off his boots, barely bothering to unlace them, shrugged off his hoodie and clambered onto Shiro's bed like he'd done so many times before. He lay face down on the bed covers, groaning as his body succumbed to the gravity after a full day of defying it.

"Are you sure you are not tired?" Shiro asked with a laugh, the door closing behind him with a slow hiss. Keith shook his head, moving his face against the covers, not really feeling like talking at the moment. He listened to Shiro puttering around, taking off his leather jacket that Keith loved so much because it looked amazing on Shiro, putting on the electric kettle, picking up Keith's discarded hoodie from the floor and probably hanging it somewhere, on the back of one of the chairs or over the foot of the bed.

Keith did feel a bit tired but he was alert enough to feel the dip of the mattress when Shiro sat down on the bed next to him. 

"Wanna see your present now?" Shiro asked, laying a comforting hand on the back of Keith's head.

"'S a present?" Keith turned his head to see Shiro sitting next to his hip with a fairly large bundle on his lap, wrapped up hastily in tissue paper.

"Yeah. Your seventeenth birthday is next month, but I won't be there to give it to you on the big day, so. You are getting your present early," Shiro shifted the bundle closer to Keith's face. "Sorry it's not wrapped up properly. I hope you like it."

Keith stared at the white tissue paper for a few seconds, still lying down, and then sat up slowly and took the soft bundle into his hands. The white buzz in his head was back, and as he ran his fingers over the crumpled paper he tried to fight against it as best as he could; this was important. He couldn't really tell what it was without unwrapping it but he almost dreaded peeling off the soft crunchy layers, because in that moment, this unknown something was the purest form of love Keith had ever known, and it didn't need to be anything else but a mess of paper and clear tape.

He looked at Shiro, as if for guidance, and after a soft 'come on, open it' he carefully tore the wrapping in the middle, pushing his fingers underneath it quickly, wanting to feel it before he saw it. His brain had only managed to register 'cloth' before he took it out and looked at it.

"...Is this a fucking crop jacket."

Keith heard Shiro laugh.

"I knew you would like it."

Keith hugged the white and red jacket to his chest and turned to Shiro with eyes he was sure were wide as saucers. "I love it," he looked at the jacket again. "Can I try it on?"

"I insist," Shiro said with a smile.

Keith ran into the bathroom, nearly slipping on the floor in his socks, and put the jacket on as he stared at his flushed face in the mirror.

"It should be just a little bit loose in the shoulders. You know, since you had another growth spurt this summer. I hope it will last you longer than just a year," Shiro said from the doorway, leaning against the wall.

"It's perfect," Keith breathed out. It was indeed a little bit loose, and the sleeves were a tad long, but the color was the exact shade of red Keith loved, and the lining was soft like downy feathers. He'll grow into it in no time, he thought.

He examined himself in the mirror, noting that it actually looked pretty damn good with the worn black tee he'd put on underneath his hoodie, lowering his eyes hastily when they wandered to his face again, covered in blotchy uneven blush of excitement.

He quickly crossed the few feet of distance between him and Shiro, butted his head into Shiro's chest and mumbled 'thank you' into the darkness between his face and Shiro's white t-shirt. Shiro put his arms over Keith's shoulders, hugging him tight, and said, "You are welcome, buddy," in a voice soft and warm like the jacket Keith was wearing.

They stood like that for a few moments, Keith's face pressed so tight into Shiro's chest he could hardly breathe, Shiro's arms heavy around Keith, and Keith would have happily stayed there until the end of eternity, but the electric kettle went off with a click and Shiro slid his hands down Keith's back, backing off a little bit to look at his face. "Let's get us some hot cocoa if we want to stay up all night," he said with a wink, and Keith shouted "I call dibs on the pink marshmallows!" from the bathroom as Shiro went to prepare their drinks.

By the time Shiro came back with two steaming mugs Keith was sitting on Shiro's bed again, trying to decide if he should take the jacket off so as not to wrinkle it, or keep it on because it's his and he can wrinkle it now however much he wants. Shiro set Keith's mug on the desk next to him (the hippo one he'd bought for him last Christmas and that Keith kept in Shiro's room because he spent too much time there anyway), and Keith finally decided to take the jacket off because he couldn't trust himself not to spill his hot cocoa on it.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping right now?" Keith asked as he folded the jacket gingerly and put it on the chair at the desk.

"I'm twenty-three, not ninety," Shiro said with a snort, sipping his hot cocoa and fishing out a melted piece of marshmallow with a spoon.

"No, I mean," Keith laughed, "aren't you launching tomorrow?" He suddenly felt the laughter die in his chest. "I mean, today?"

"You know that I'm not actually launching the ship. I'm intending to pass out while the autopilot does all the work, and no one will be the wiser." Shiro said dryly, fishing out another marshmallow, while Keith stared at him in disbelief.

A few seconds later Shiro looked up, probably prompted by Keith's silence, and let out a sudden laugh at Keith's expression. "Keith, I'm joking. I got plenty of sleep yesterday, and you know I wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight anyway."

"I wouldn't either," Keith said, dazed, and hated how true it was. If he hadn't been hanging out with Shiro he would have been up that night anyway, tossing and turning and thinking about wasting the precious time while Shiro was still on Earth.

"Drink your cocoa," Shiro said, nudging him with his shoulder, and Keith finally grabbed the mug with pink marshmallows floating on top in a generous heap.

He blew the steam off and tried not to burst from happiness at the thought of Shiro wanting to spend his last night on Earth with him.

They played video games into the early hours of the morning, Shiro sitting back against the wall and Keith squished underneath his arm. Keith would have kept beating Shiro's ass ‘til kingdom come, but as he yawned behind his hand one time too many, Shiro set down his controller and ruffled his hair. "Finally tired?"

"Even I can get tired crushing you and your pathetic skills if I do it a million times," Keith said, not even trying to dodge the light swat from Shiro.

"Uh-uh, not tired enough for the snark to take a break at least," Shiro laughed and got up from the bed. "Think you are ready to turn in?"

"No, I'm fine," Keith shook his head, alarmed, and tried to will his tired eyes to open wider, because he wasn't ready for this night to end yet.

“Perfect,” Shiro said, getting a confused look from Keith. “I, well. I have one more thing for you, actually,” he elaborated.

“Another present?” Keith couldn’t help but perk up a little bit. “Are you trying to spoil me?”

“Maybe a little bit,” Shiro said with a smile. “We’ll have to go outside to get it though. Are you up for a little walk?”

“Are you kidding me? Of course I am,” Keith rushed to get both his hoodie and the jacket, hesitating a bit before putting both of them on, deciding that he didn’t really care that he probably looked ridiculous. “Do I get to know what it is?”

Shiro shrugged his own leather jacket on, pocketing his ID. “Nope. You’ll learn when we get there.”

“Fair,” Keith mumbled as he struggled to lace up his boots. His fingers weren’t exactly dexterous after wielding a controller for hours, and Shiro kneed in front of him to help with the left boot as Keith fumbled his way through tying up his right.

“Ready?” Shiro asked when he finished. Keith looked at him, sitting down on one knee in front of Keith, and thought of how easy it would be to lean down and kiss him.

Keith could imagine it perfectly: swooping in quickly before he lost his nerve and pressing his lips to Shiro’s chastely in the simplest form of a kiss, because he’d never done it before and it would have been the easiest thing to do. He would have drawn back with his heart thudding in his chest and blood rushing in his ears and Shiro would have stared at him, confused, before uttering a soft “Keith” and gently letting him down. It’s the image of Shiro’s sad apologetic eyes in Keith’s mind that kept him rooted on the spot, only replying quietly, “Yeah, I’m ready.”

Shiro led him out into the early morning air, crisp and so clear Keith could see the smallest of details on the ship that Shiro would pilot only a few hours later. It was that hour of the morning when the sky was still dark and void of the sun, but there was somehow still plenty of light, and Keith seized the opportunity to commit to memory every single feature of Shiro’s face while he still could. His big nose, his strong heavy jawline, the smudged remains of black eyeliner around his dark grey eyes; he’d never looked so perfect as on this quiet and still morning, and Keith hated himself for being so affected, hated the soft translucent veil of infatuation that was always there in front of his eyes and made everything look brighter whenever Shiro was around. 

Suddenly, Shiro stopped and turned to Keith. “I’m gonna have to blindfold you now.”

“Are you actually serious right now?” Keith asked, deadpan, looking at Shiro with raised eyebrows.

“Uh-uh,” Shiro rummaged through his pockets for a few moments, then looked up at Keith with a helpless expression on his face. “Damn, must have left the scarf back in the room,” he smiled sheepishly as Keith snorted a laugh. “Think you can keep your eyes closed for me? No cheating,” he said with a pointed look when Keith rolled his eyes. “I want it to be a surprise.”

Keith nodded, and closed his eyes. He couldn’t help the little gasp he let out when Shiro closed his warm hand around his, and tugged him forward.

They didn’t walk for too long, Shiro warning him whenever there were stairs ahead, and all Keith could concentrate on was keeping his feet straight and the softness of Shiro’s palm. Eventually, Shiro stopped, and Keith heard a faint beep as Shiro scanned his ID and led him through the door that opened with a long whoosh. The sound of their footsteps was much louder here, so Keith guessed they were inside a very large room, although he had no idea what it was.

Shiro stopped again with ”right, we are here,” and Keith barely kept himself from opening his eyes too early. He heard Shiro walk around him, mumbling, “okay, gotta do this right,” as he put his hands over Keith’s closed eyes. 

“Ready?” he asked for the second time this morning, and Keith nodded behind the cage of Shiro’s hands. As Shiro lowered his hands Keith felt the tight knot of excitement and anxiety bundle up and unfurl again in his chest, and this time it took him a couple of seconds to muster up the courage to open his eyes.

When he finally did, for a moment he didn’t realize what he was supposed to look at. As the understanding dawned upon him, his brain drowned in familiar white noise.

“You know that the Kerberos mission is gonna take seventeen months, so I won’t be there for your eighteenth, either. So I thought, who cares about dates, you are getting your coming of age present early, too. Please don’t crash while I’m away.”

Keith stared in disbelief at the glorious red hoverbike in front of him, shiny and sleek and new, and barely noticed the tell-tale prickling in his nose before he started bawling right there in the middle of the cold heartless hangar.

Shiro touched his shoulder in alarm, wide-eyed, and when Keith kept sobbing, raising his hand to cover his eyes, Shiro gathered him in his arms quickly and rubbed his hand against Keith’s back soothingly. 

“Hey buddy, it’s okay. Wow, damn. I just, I wanted you to have your own bike, not the dingy Garrison thing—” He ran a hasty hand through Keith’s hair, “God, please don’t cry.”

Keith really, really didn’t want to cry, but the bitter angry tears kept pouring out of him and he couldn’t believe how unfair it was that he had gotten this beautiful, magical thing right before Shiro left him for good, and he never, ever would be able to ride it for the first time with the person he loved the most flying right next to him.

Shiro walked Keith to his room, tired and hollow from crying after staying up the entire night. Keith loved the bike. It was the same make and model as the standard Garrison hoverbikes but the paint job was a vivid cherry red and it was brand new; Keith didn’t even want to know how much money Shiro had spent on it. The initial shock had faded, and Keith would have been embarrassed at his earlier outburst if he felt anything at all in that moment.

They lingered a bit in the doorway. “Promise you’ll stay out of trouble,” Shiro said with a quiet smile. Keith nodded, looking down at his feet. “Can’t wait to come back and see that you will be taller than me.”

“I’m not gonna be taller than you,” Keith mumbled sleepily. He finally raised his head. “I hope you love Kerberos.”

“I already do,” Shiro said, happiness written all over his face. “Thanks for hanging out with me, Keith. I feel like I’m ready to fly across the entire universe.”

Keith took a step forward and pressed his cheek against Shiro’s chest, feeling Shiro’s arms embrace him again. 

“Please be safe.” Keith said quietly. He didn’t even care how vulnerable his next words sounded. “Don’t leave me here alone for too long.”

“I won’t. It’s just seventeen months,” Shiro brushed a wayward lock of hair out of Keith’s eyes. “You are not alone, Keith. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. The Garrison is your home.”

Keith raised his arms and curled them around Shiro in a belated hug. “ _You are my home,"_ Keith thought, and as they said their goodbyes, he prepared himself for the eternity to begin.

**Author's Note:**

> my partner beta-read the entire thing and killed off quite a few commas, please send your thanks to [mniotilta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mniotilta)


End file.
